It's Not Easy
Divorce is so hard even when you know it’s the healthiest choice for all involved. It’s a loss of epic proportions and so incredibly stressful. For many of us we wonder what we did wrong, what we could have done better, where did I fail, could I have prevented it; and the list goes on. We start to judge our decision to end what was likely one of the most significant relationship in our lives. On the other side of wondering if we could have done more there can also be that feeling of why didn’t they fight to keep me. Anger that someone we cared so deeply for would just leave. We may even blame them for all the things that went wrong telling ourselves that they did this to us.
I don’t think anyone gets married with the intention of getting divorced. I mean, right there in the vows it says “for better or worse until death do us part”. We all get married hoping for that love that lasts a lifetime and that partner that will stand by our side forever. Sometimes marriages end because of financial disagreements (most common), infidelity (next most common reason), some splits are because partners have grown apart and they don’t feel the love and support they once felt. There are many reasons for divorce and the reason doesn’t always matter; it’s still a decision wrought with pain, difficulty, fear, anxiety, excitement, hope, uncertainty and so much more.
Sometimes we are not the one who wants the divorce and want to fight for it but the other isn’t willing or able to put the work in. In other situations, we are the one who wants the divorce and there is no changing our mind. There are cases where there is trouble and through careful thought and sometimes therapy to “save” it the end result is still divorce. The divorce might be amicable and both parties know it’s the best choice for them. Whoever decides to end a marriage or any long-term relationship it is still not easy for most.
Divorce takes courage. Think about it; you are ending a relationship that has meant so much to you, often a relationship that has lasted for years and in a lot of cases decades, to go out into the world on your own again. You are stepping into the unknown. You are entering a world that you have never been in before. This may mean living on your own for the first time, or being a single parent, needing to move across the country to live with or be near a support system.
Whatever the reason your marriage ended I would encourage you to honor your grief, to honor your pain, and even honor what the relationship once was or that you believed it to be. There is going to be pain but you get to decide how much you suffer in this process. It is so easy for us to sit in that pain, guilt, anger, resentment, sadness and all that comes with it. It is easy because we don’t need to work to feel all of those things but what if I told you that you could honor all of that pain but not suffer in it. What if you could see the end of this as an incredibly beautiful opportunity to change your view of yourself and your former partner? Will this be an easy task? Absolutely 100% no. It takes work to move from the pain into acceptance and I believe it is worth it for many reasons.
Showing yourself and your former partner compassion can change the whole process of divorce. How different would your split look if you spent time seeing the opportunities in your new life? What if you used this as a chance to learn more about yourself and your values? What if you used this as a chance to honor what was and what you learned from and how you grew in this relationship? What if you used this divorce to understand what is important to you in intimate relationships?
Through coaching you will begin to understand how your thoughts and feelings lead to actions and that you have a choice in your response to any situation. We so often just go with the first reaction; we take action based on our past experiences; we make assumptions about how things will work out based on what has happened before. Our view is filtered through the messages we received for our entire lives. This is often the “I’m not enough” message. That voice that says I’m not smart enough, young enough, pretty enough, wealthy enough, good enough, worthy enough and so on that we often heard from our parents, teachers, and even society. It is even possible you received these kinds of messages throughout your marriage. These messages shape how we view the world and our place in it. But I ask you, how true are these messages? What would happen if you stopped believing these things about you and believed the truth about yourself, your value, the incredible energy inside of you and became aware of all the amazing things you have to offer the world.
Send me a message or give me a call so we can talk about how coaching can help you find new perspectives, personal growth, higher satisfaction in your life and begin to live the life you’ve always dreamed of living.